


Vulture Culture

by VintageSquid



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Witchcraft, Domestic Fluff, Genderfluid Deceit | Janus Sanders, Marriage Proposal, Multi, Nonbinary Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Remus being Remus, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Witches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:33:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24653908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VintageSquid/pseuds/VintageSquid
Summary: Remus loves living in his little cabin in the woods with his two gorgeous, snarky partners. Coming home from another scavenging adventure to Virgil and Janus being their wonderful selves, Remus has a very important question to ask them.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders, anxceitmus - Relationship
Comments: 15
Kudos: 164





	Vulture Culture

**Author's Note:**

> Huge thank you to @rosesisupposes for beta'ing this for me!

“Ohh honey-bunny-bums! I’m home!” 

The front door slammed against the wall, echoing through the house as Remus stomped inside, a wide grin spread on his face and his backpack heavy over one shoulder. Bracing the toes of one foot against the heel of the other, he aggressively yanked his feet out of his boots, laces still tied. He haphazardly tossed his jacket and toque over the back of the nearby armchair - on top of other outdoor outfits that had already received a similar treatment. With much more care, he set his bag on the floor.

“We’re in the kitchen, Re!” 

“And I swear to the gods, your boots better not be on your feet when you get in here, because I am not mopping up after you again!” 

“Yeah, yeah, no need to get your knickers in a twist,” Remus snorted, grabbing his backpack by one strap and slinging it over one shoulder. He made his way further into the house, following the sound of his loved ones' voices. “I’m still wearing socks, though, so no peeping at my toes for you! You’ll have to wait ‘til later for that treat.” Coming around the corner into the kitchen, Remus gave an exaggerated wink to his partner standing on the step-stool by the window. 

Virgil rolled their eyes, shaking their head and setting aside the small scissors they had been using to tend to their plants. “I offer to give you a massage one time for your sore feet, and suddenly _I’m the_ one with the foot fetish, I see how it is.” 

Smirking, Virgil turned to face Remus, but before they could hop off their stool, a pair of burly arms cinched around their middle and swept them into the air. 

“Remus!” They shrieked, dissolving into laughter as their boyfriend held them close and spun them around the room. 

“I’ve got a Virgil!” Remus hollered, bouncing them both as he giggled. Even in play, Remus was cautious not to spin too fast and actually upset Virgil’s nerves; it was a delicate balance, one he had perfected over the years. Both of them were snickering breathlessly when Remus finally came to a stop and set Virgil’s feet back on the floor, though his arms remained snug around their chest. The pair faced Janus, who was smirking at them with a raised brow. 

“If the children are done playing in the kitchen where I am currently working over a hot stove?” Despite her tone, Janus’ smile softened fondly as she flicked her wrist to cut the heat. The fire witch stepped forward and planted a smooch on Remus’ nose, her hand following quickly to cup his face and smooth her thumb over the boisterously grinning chub of his cheek. “Welcome home, possum. I’m glad to see you’ve returned safe and sound, and not covered in pond scum.”

Remus only grinned wider and hugged Virgil a little closer, much to their grumbling delight. “The grime feels so good, though! Oozing between your fingers and squelching when you bend your knees! Come on, you have to admit that my skin was so soft for, like, a week after I fell in last time!” 

“I will admit to nothing, other than that you smelled like a rotted fish for that week too,” Janus retorted. “I still think you did that on purpose; there’s no way a water witch wouldn’t be able to bathe himself properly to get rid of that odor.” Pushing up onto her toes, she pressed a tender, lingering kiss to his lips. “I, however, much prefer your natural musk.” 

Leaning in to Remus again, Janus yelped as Virgil suddenly grabbed her by the front of her shirt and tugged her into a searing kiss that made bursts of colour flash behind her eyelids. Melting against their mouth, she gripped Remus’ forearm with one hand while the other ran through Virgil’s long hair over and over, dragging them back for more when they tried to pull away. When the pair finally parted, panting heavily, Janus couldn’t help the lazy satisfaction that settled over her when she was greeted with Virgil’s smile. 

“What?” They asked innocently. “You gave Remus kisses, and I wanted some attention too.”

Janus rolled her eyes, thumb tenderly rubbing the back of their neck. “So needy, I swear.” 

Remus snorted, gently depositing Virgil into a dining chair and scooping his bag off the floor where he had left it in favour of his favourite tiny plant witch. “You’re one to talk, mixter-” 

“Ah, she/her now, darling, changed about an hour after you left this morning. I just haven’t had the mind to swap out my necklaces while Virgil and I have been working in here. Sorry, possum,” she murmured, fiddling with the sparrow’s skull resting at the hollow of her throat from a braided rope. 

“Well, princess,” Remus adjusted smoothly, kissing the top of Janus’ head and petting over the buzzed side of her hair. “First off, you have no grounds to complain about me being needy, Miss clings-with-all-four-limbs-every-night. And secondly,” his voice softened, “you never have to apologize for expressing whatever gender feels best for you, ever. Okay? Do you want me to grab Trip for you?”

Laying her hand - slimmer than his, but still larger than Virgil’s - atop Remus’, Janus nuzzled into the calloused warmth of his palm. “I would appreciate that, possum. I think I left her on the smaller bookshelf in the bedroom.”

“Anything for you, dandelion. Lemme take Kee, too.” 

Obligingly, Dee lifted her hair, long only on the right side of her head and curlier than a pig’s tail, to allow Remus room to remove her current necklace. She glanced up, feeling a tingle down her neck that had nothing to do with her boyfriend’s wandering fingers. Virgil was seated at the table across the kitchen, their cheek propped on one fist, a dreamy haze over their normally snarky features. 

“See something you like?” Janus asked with a snort. 

“Only the loves of my life,” Virgil replied, grinning wider when Dee scoffed to hide her fluster. “Ohh, you thought I meant you two? No, no, the coffee machine and a bag of chips are on the counter behind you, babe.” They cackled as both their partners squawked in indignation, hiding their wide smile behind their sleeve. 

Janus rolled her eyes, stepping away from Remus and lightly kicking the leg of Virgil’s chair before sitting across from them. “Ha ha, you’re so funny, V.” 

“I knew it was only a matter of time before you recognized my true genius.” 

“Alright you gaggle of gossiping gophers,” Remus cut in, dropping his bag on the table between them. “Why don’t you have a look through what I found today while I get Janus’ necklace and change into something a little more cozy.” He exaggerated a wink at his partners, taking their snorting laughter with him as he swaggered off in the direction of the bedroom. 

Virgil and Janus shared a look before diving for the ties on the bag. Janus worked the flap open, allowing Virgil to reach their hand in for the first discovery. Their eyes lit up, with a sparkle that had nothing to do with the green magic flowing through their veins, as they pulled out a neatly tied bundle of watercress, the pale roots intact and cleaned of any potentially parasite carrying soil. 

“Ah! Where did he manage to find this!? I’ve been needing more since that doe and her fawns have started coming by,” they murmured, bringing the bundle up to their face and inhaling deeply. “Mother Earth, there is no better smell in this world.” 

“And of course you’re selflessly going to plant it all outside in the pond for our little ungulate neighbours without keeping some as a snack for yourself,” Janus drawled while reaching into the bag herself. 

Virgil finally looked away from the watercress to smirk at their girlfriend, plucking a plant free from the bundle and nibbling on it like a rabbit. “I never said anything of the sort.” 

Heart throbbing fondly, Janus snickered and pulled out the next of Remus’ finds. Her fingers wrapped around a small burlap bag and she squealed. Pulling it out, she eagerly opened the drawstrings and carefully dumped the contents onto the tabletop: a grey, spherical rock, seven small vertebrae of assorted shape, and three colourful, river-polished stones. Janus cooed, smoothing the tips of her fingers over her new treasures, eyes wide with wonder and ideas for her latest art project. 

When she looked up to share her excitement with Virgil, they were already rifling through the next of Remus’ gifts, a collection of plucked flowers spread out across their side of the table. Their wide smile softened as they glanced up and made eye contact. 

“Reme really went all out today, I can’t believe some of these blooms he managed to find at this time of the year!” 

“I wonder what we did to deserve such a spoiling?” 

“You two were absolutely perfect, that’s what.” 

Virgil and Janus perked up, turning to look at their returned third. Both seated witches felt their stomachs lurch with affection as Remus stood in the doorway dressed, for once, in a clean shirt the same colour as his intelligent blue eyes. It was buttoned up only halfway, his burly chest exposed to the warm air of the kitchen and his partners’ hungry gazes. Both hands were held suspiciously behind his back. 

Virgil recovered first, trying to appear nonchalant by tousseling their fingers through their shaggy bangs. The effect was betrayed by the glowing vines that had begun to creep up their forearms like living tattoos, pulsing in time with the rapid fluttering of their heart. “Whatcha got there, possum?” 

Biting his lip, Remus couldn’t stop himself from breaking out into a wide grin as he shrugged one shoulder in a not-answer. “We all know that Janus is usually the sappy one among us- 

“Hey!” 

“So, I’m sorry sunshine, but I’m about to borrow your role for a second.” 

Virgil and Janus exchanged a glance as Remus paused again to exhale slow and deep, almost as if he were running through one of Virgil’s breathing exercises. What could have made their fearlessly boisterous possum so uncharacteristically nervous? Their attention snapped back to their third as Remus stepped forward, stopping at the head of the table between the seated pair. 

“Most of the people I meet in my life haven’t been overly enthusiastic to meet me in turn. Lotsa people don’t want to put up with my magic or my brain, or really anything about me, and even among those who do, most of them just don’t really _get_ me, y’know? But... but you two...” 

Remus looked from Virgil to Janus, love welling in his eyes like the rising tide he so adored. His hands tightened on the objects still hidden behind his back. 

“You two not only understand me, but you encourage me to be myself and are actually fucking comfortable being around me? Like, holy shit. I don’t even have the words to explain to you what that means to me - and I usually have no problem describing anything! Like how some sharks are so gluttonous they will gorge themselves and then throw up everything they just ate so that they can keep eating! Isn’t that so cool!?” As he got more and more excited, his shoulders began to hunch and roll in a mimicry of his usual out of control gesturing. Somehow, he managed to hold onto enough sense of mind to keep hidden his hands, and the precious cargo they held. 

Janus leaned forward, tapping one manicured nail on the table to draw Remus’ attention back. “C’mon, possum, you can tell us all about vomiting sharks after you finish our surprise speech.” 

Shockingly, a faint blush coloured Remus cheeks. He cleared his throat and glanced to the side with a sheepish grin. “Ah, right.” Looking back to the loves of his life, Remus set his shoulders square and dropped down to one knee, delighting in his partners’ gasps and widening eyes. 

“What I was trying to say, is that I love you two so fucking much, and I wanna spend the rest of our lives together. So…” Remus brought his hands out from behind his back and held them up.

In front of Janus he presented a gaboon viper’s skull, meticulously cleaned with the top few vertebrae still attached at the jaw hinge so the mouth could remain propped open to show off the elongated upper fangs. The larger bones were intricately carved with runes for love, protection, and strength all twined together. Looking closer, the grain of the pattern wasn’t rough, as it would be if the markings had been made with a knife, but smooth and even like a stone polished by the endless waters of a river. 

Cradled in his left hand for Virgil was a delicate crested gecko skeleton. Every minute bone was present, complete down to the tiny claw tips on each foot. With the tail slightly raised, and the front right foot lifted in step, the tiny skeleton looked like it was moments away from coming to life and skittering up their arm. Only the skull was large enough for the carved depictions of hyacinths to be visible - Virgil’s favourite flower. They had always favoured constancy, after all. 

“Will you marry me?” 

Though Virgil covered their mouth with both hands, it couldn’t hide the smile crinkling the corners of their watery eyes. Sniffling, they nodded rapidly. “Y-Yes! A million times yes!” Reaching out to cup the fragile skeleton in their hands, they brought it up to their face to briefly admire the little bones. By the time they had carefully set it aside on the table, Janus had already slid out of her chair and into Remus’ arms on the floor. She was pressing kisses all over his face, and the snake skull was resting on the countertop above them. 

Quickly dropping to their knees and squirming their way up under Remus’ free arm, Virgil joined Janus in covering their third in smooches. The flurry of joyous affection softened as lips finally met in languidly. They traded off, kissing what they could of the other two when their lips were free. 

Both smaller witches suddenly squealed with laughter - though they would aggressively deny it later - as Remus cinched his arms around their waists and rolled to his feet, easily hoisting them up and spinning them around. 

When he finally slowed to a stop, Remus was speechless at the sight of their flushed cheeks and wide smiles.

“I love you both so much,” he whispered. 

Janus smiled and leaned up to kiss his cheek once more with a loud smack of her lips. Virgil was quick to mirror her on the other side, tucking their face into the crook of Remus’ shoulder and neck afterwards with a content hum. 

“We love you too, possum.” 

“Always and forever, Reme.”

**Author's Note:**

> Janus' pronoun charms are three necklaces, each a different skull on a rope chain that Virgil braided.  
> Sparrow skull - Kee - they/them  
> Salamander skull - Trip - she/her  
> Squirrel skull - Riz - he/him


End file.
